Gentle readers, Bachmannalia has truly reached new pinnacles of greatness.  After coining its first word, “ignosmut,” Bachmannalia has just received its first viewer suggestion for an American upon which railing is in order.  Congratulations to Calder for the suggestion – and yes, it will make his day to read this.  Truly.

Anyway, Calder (who apparently hopes to link himself with modern art greatness) has suggested that Schuyler Colfax be railed upon, with the helpful note that “his name in itself is railable.”  Well, this is indeed true, and we shall attend to that matter in a moment.  But first, as is our habit, we must note why Mr. Colfax deserves such opprobrium.

Unfortunately, he seems like a fairly decent guy who was fiercely anti-slavery (a plus) and an eloquent speaker (also a plus, particularly today).  He did become embroiled in the Credit Mobilier scandal (a minus), but, honestly, who didn’t? (a minor plus).  On the whole, that makes him a 2.5, so he can’t be all that bad.

But good grief, what a name!?  Schuyler, which those of us who speak the language properly pronounce “ski-ler,” is a terrible butchering of English.  And don’t you dare give me any of this “oh, but he is likely related to the Dutch patroons who settled the colony of New Amsterdam and slaughtered Native Americans” bullcrap, because we at Bachmannalia take firm stands against such horrific spelling.

Which leads me to railing victim 1(b) – William Taliaferro.  Besides being on the opposite side of the Civil War from future Vice-President Colfax (forgot that one earlier, a big minus!), this gentleman had the nerve to request that his name be pronounced “tolliver.”  What a joke!  I mean, for real, how the heck can you get that pronounciation from such a spelling?  There is not one, but two silent syllables!  And the “f” becomes a “v.”  Simply ridiculous.

And they’re both funny looking.

Gentle reader, it has been too long.  Too long since Bachmannalia has railed upon dead Americans.  But you need wait no longer.  Today we rail upon Herbert Spencer.

Wait a second – Herbert Spencer was English!  We can’t do that – that would break the rules!

Oh contraire (or something).  See, here at Bachmannalia we like to test the boundaries of simple truth and challenge the notion of fact.  Therefore, given Spencer’s intellectual domination of the minds of industrialists in late 19th century America, he certainly qualifies for a good railing.

Isn’t he handsome?  No!  He’s not!  And his pernicious views of human society laid the foundation for the great captains of industry to exploit the working class whilst simultaneously convincing politicians and economists alike that such a state was only natural.  Spencer coined the term “survival of the fittest” and allowed people to twist Darwin’s theory into the realm of human relations – so-called Social Darwinism.

And now, since no one bothers to teach the late 19th century anymore, no Americans doubt the validity of these assumptions of our social and economic order.  But they should!

Gentle reader, it has been some time since I railed on some dead Americans. Time to do so again…

Horatio Alger (1832-1899) was a dime-novel writer who became intensely popular during the Gilded Age (aka The Gilded For A Few Unabashed Elites And Squalidly Abysmal For All Others Age). His books were primarily rags-to-riches stories of boys rising to prominence in the exciting and mechanized new American economy.

Alger's popularity soon mutated into authority – it was as if his uplifting stories were law and Americans followed Alger's lead. At a time when collective action, criticism of laissez-faire economics, and activism was needed most, many Americans simply bought into the dream. The majority ended up with a nightmare of poverty, industrial accidents, monopolization, and abuse.

Alger does have one redeeming quality, however. He is an essential part of my favorite Wheel of Fortune-esque "Before and After." Ready? Go Vanna! HORATIO ALGER HISS.

You know you like it.

For all of you who enjoy law/politics and history, you should check out Don Fehrenbacher's "The Dred Scott Case."  Fehrenbacher was a historian by trade (he completed David Potter's seminal work on the antebellum period, "The Impending Crisis") and he does a fine job of describing the development of legal theory as it related to slavery over the course of time.  As someone who primarily studied the social history of slavery in college Fehrenbacher's work really helped me to comprehend the ways judges in the North and South distilled the prevailing attitudes and currents of the day into "legalese."

You should also read it because, as this blog has noted before, Chief Justice Roger B. Taney is a toolbag. 

Note: Taney is pronounced taw-nee

The 4th US Chief Justice was named Taney,
Whom Yanks accused of siding with Johnny,*
His Dred Scott decision you see**
Was the worst in American history
And he approved Jackson's redistribution of money.***

* Civil War, fools.
** The Dred Scott decision opened up all areas of the US to slavery and declared blacks to be inferior beings who whites need not respect. Ugh.
*** Jackson's war on the Bank of the United States. His Secretary of the Treasury wouldn't remove the bank's funds to state "pet" banks, so Jackson fired him and put Roger "I'll do anything because I'm a freakin' sychophant and I'm really ugly too" Taney in his place. Taney promptly destroyed the bank and the country spiralled into a depression.

Ok, so that was a lousy limerick. Suffice it to say that I hate Roger B. Taney. With a passion. And Eli Whitney – I hate him too. The cotton gin – that's no good at all.

"Sixteen in the clip and one in the hole
Nate Dogg is about to make some bodies turn cold
Now they droppin' and yellin'
It’s a tad bit late
Nate Dogg and Warren G had to regulate."

Warren Gamaliel Harding, aka Warren Griffin III, aka Warren G was both a president of the United States of America and a mid-90s rapper on the West Coast. Most argue that he was more successful as an artist than a politician. Interestingly, while his hit single was called "Regulate" (see above) as a president Mr. Harding was a very pro-business, deregulating official. An intriguing coincidence, I'm sure you'd agree.

The Two Faces of Warren G.
Some people are convinced that Mr. Harding's wife may have poisoned him because of his torrid affairs, explaining his death in San Francisco in 1923 (which propelled Silent Cal {aka Nate Dogg} into office). Interestingly, he is frequently spotted alive today! And as an African-American! Strange how these things happen…

“Damn John Jay! Damn everyone that won’t damn John Jay! Damn every one that won’t put lights in his window and sit up all night damning John Jay!” – Popular cry after the signing of Jay’s Treaty with Britain

Oh Millard Fillmore… It's tough to take over from such a beacon of liberty and freedom as Zach "The Flack Attack" Taylor, particularly mid-term. Did he rise to the challenge? Or is there a good reason that very few of my students have ever heard of him? Feel free to weigh in…